Today’s fluff seemed like a good idea at the time

The Mill woke this morning determined to purvey this morning’s idle speculation in the form of rhyming verse. We got as far as ‘The Mill woke this morn in poetical mood/Porridge and muesli are both kinds of food/Some of these couplets may not quite ring true/gossip and tit-tattle we’re bringing to you’, which as starts go is not particularly auspicious, containing as it does very little of any sense and at least one word that doesn’t exist. And it doesn’t really scan, either. At that point, with a bumper crop of gossip ready to be harvested, processed and baked into the crusty white loaf of transfer bread, the Mill really should have stopped and thought of a different riff. We apologise in advance for our failure to do so.

Wenger is sick of Almunia’s hashes
Costing them points in vital league matches
Green of West Ham will be joining instead
Filling attackers with loathing and dread

Liverpool’s boss can look a bit down
Whenever his head crinkles into a frown
But Benítez’s face is going to get glummer
Mascherano heading to Barça this summer

Defender Craig Dawson is impressing for Rochdale
A million-pound bid is enough for a quick sale
Fulham and Spurs are ready to pounce
Both of them hoping their cheques will not bounce

Young Adam Matthews is a target for Villa
Martin O’Neill with his hand on the tiller
5m quid will tempt Cardiff to sell
Where he will end up no one can tell

A Russian surname is a tough one to rhyme with Nevertheless our best effort we’ll give
When he drinks coffee he prefers if its Kenko
Lokomotiv Moscow still keen on Roman Pavlyuchenko

There’s a battle abrewing for Frank Ribéry
Barça and Real and Juve and Chelsea
Real are favourites as you’d expect
But down to west London he may well defect

Chelsea’s Joe Cole is off to Old Trafford
His exhorbitant wages the club can afford
He’ll be replaced by an American import
Ancelotti’s eye Landon Donovan has caught

Wigan will give Ahmed al-Muhammadi a try
They want the Egyptian from ENPPI
He’s a right-back of marauding demeanour
Of warrior princesses his favourite is Xena

The Mill is quite pleased that there’s two more to go
Progress this morning has been really quite slow
Man Utd have signed Marnick Vermijl
Does that at all rhyme with candlelit vigil?

Wanted in Manchester but not by Lord Ferg
Jerome Boateng is not long for Hamburg
The much-loved defender is in line for Man City
10m quid going out of their kitty

That’s quite enough of this rhyming nonsense
It’s made the poor Mill quite anxious and tense
Still they mostly rhymed and occasionally scanned
Unlike this last one which doesn’t

ChelseaLA GalaxyEvertonMajor League SoccerJohn Ashdownguardian.co.uk