Today’s rumours are out on their ear

Take That’s kind-of-reunion, a sniff of electoral success for Labour, the British pet-shop owner who tried to smuggle 1,000 spiders out of Brazil – in terms of news, there’s any number of things to get excited about on this damp, dank Friday morning. Yet despite it all the British press’s enthusiasm for transfer tittle-tattle remains, unlike the warming effect of the sun’s rays and George Hamilton’s career prospects, undimmed. And for that, the Mill is profoundly grateful.

And so we’re just going to launch ourselves straight into it, without further ado. For the Mill hates further ado even more than Dion Dublin hates Robbie Savage, of which more later.

To Germany, where Schalke’s captain Marcelo Bordon has given up on keeping goalkeeper Manuel Neuer at the club in the face of interest from Manchester United and Bayern Munich. “Maybe it would be better if he were to leave because we could get a hell of a lot of money for him,” he told Bild. While on their scouting trips to Germany, United – and Chelsea, Liverpool and Manchester City, by all accounts (well, the one in the Mail) – have been sniffing around Werder Bremen’s English-mothered striker Aaron Hunt, whose contract expires in the summer. “There is interest from Germany and abroad,” says his agent, Karlheinz Forster. “From big clubs. We are not talking about mediocre clubs.”

Also on Manchester City’s shopping list is the Benfica forward Ángel Di María, touted in the press as Robinho’s likely replacement and just valued by the Portuguese side at £36m. Another player burdened by a surprisingly large price tag this morning is Lucas Leiva, the Liverpool midfielder wanted by a number of “top European sides” who have all been told that the Brazilian will cost them £14m (and the manager’s job once everyone realises exactly what he’s spent £14m on).

On a rapidly descending asking-price scale, Blackburn are readying a £4m bid for Swedish midfielder Rasmus Elm, who joined AZ Alkmaar for that sum just a few months ago after turning down Everton, Fulham are poised with a £3m offer for Palermo’s Brazilian goalkeeper Rubinho, West Bromwich Albion are to stump up £2.5m for Leicester striker Matty Fryatt, and Wolves are lining up a £1.5m bid for Gillingham striker Simeon Jackson.

Waking up cold, unshaven and smelling of stale urine this morning before bathing in a pool of his own warm, fresh tears is Darius Vassell, who has been evicted from his hotel after his Turkish club, Ankaragucu, failed to pay his bills. “I wonder if I should just go home,” he sobbed. Back in his native city, Birmingham are “tracking” Sevilla’s Arouna Koné and the Real Betis midfielder Achille Emana with the aid of some craftily-positioned GPS devices and a few friends at CTU.

Greg Dyke has told the Hounslow and Brentford Times that Peterborough are after the Brentford manager Andy Scott. “My understanding is they are working through a shortlist of four candidates,” he revealed.

Chelsea are blaming the FA for Frank Lampard’s thigh injury because the private plane chartered to carry the England team to Doha for Saturday’s Brazil friendly wasn’t luxurious enough. It was “designed for short-haul only”, the seats “barely reclined” and “several players complained of cramp or muscle pain”, reports the Sun.

Former footballer turned Hollywood menacing-snarl-go-to-guy Vinnie Jones has revealed that “he considered suicide after biting a reporter on the nose” and that he was only barked out of the idea by his pet dog Tessie. In an unrelated development, Arsenal’s 21-year-old striker Nicklas Bendtner is going out with Baroness Caroline Luel-Brockdorff, a 34-year-old Danish royal with two children and a £400m fortune.

New dad Wayne Rooney says “I still haven’t changed a nappy” and has ruled out performing a Bebeto-style swinging-crib goal celebration should he score against Brazil tomorrow. “It looks a bit cheesy to me, to be honest.”

And in the Mirror Robbie Savage, who in a show of utter idiocy missed Derby’s flight to Holland for a friendly against Den Haag after turning up at the airport with his wife’s passport, tells of his astonishment that striker-turned-defender-turned-TV-pundit Dion Dublin told TV viewers how much he didn’t like the blonde-haired fop (a fact the vicious headbutt he delivered upon the then-Birmingham City midfielder in 2003 had broadly hinted at). “It’s mystifying how he’s come to that conclusion when he’s never even been for a pint with me or met me socially.” Incredible, yet somehow millions of others have managed it.

Premier LeagueManchester CityBenficaBayern MunichManchester UnitedLiverpoolChelseaArsenalAZ AlkmaarBlackburn RoversBirmingham CityEvertonFulhamWest BromReal BetisSevillaWolverhampton WanderersGillinghamPeterboroughChampionshipLeague OneWerder BremenLa LigaSerie ABundesligaEredivisieSimon Burntonguardian.co.uk

• ‘You don’t play like that and play for Everton’
• Manager’s patience with injury-hit side finally snaps

David Moyes has told Everton’s under-achieving players their futures are at risk unless they eradicate the basic errors that have hastened the club’s slide down the Premier League table.

Everton face a third away game in six days tomorrow night when they travel to Tottenham Hotspur in the fourth round of the Carling Cup. That demanding sequence has so far yielded a record 5-0 European defeat at Benfica and a late reverse at Bolton Wanderers on Sunday that gave Gary Megson’s side a first home league win since April.

Moyes’s side are without a win in four matches and, while the Scot absolved a young, makeshift team of blame for the Benfica mauling and was again without 11 regulars through injury at the Reebok, his patience with the established players at his disposal has finally snapped. “We didn’t defend properly at Bolton and we didn’t do the things that stop you losing games. Because of that we have ended up losing it. They have been told – you don’t play like that and play for Everton,” said Moyes.

“So it is up to them to sort it out now. I will help them and coach them and work with them, but they are the ones who cross the white line and need to roll their sleeves up. I’ll protect them, I’ll protect their performances, but if they don’t do basic things like head the ball and defend set pieces, which they practise and work on, then it is themselves they need to look at.”

John Heitinga added to Moyes’s injury problems at Bolton and the Everton manager has delayed the journey to London until the day of the game to give the likes of Yakubu Ayegbeni (heel) and Diniyar Bilyaletdinov (thigh strain) every chance of recovering. Moyes, who is aggrieved at the Football League’s scheduling of the fourth-round tie, added: “I thought at times we played quite well as the game went on; it was pretty and nice to watch. But Bolton won the game with a more simple style of football so maybe we should think about getting the ball in the box and doing something similar.”

El Hadji Diouf, meanwhile, will not face action over allegations he made a racist comment to a ball-boy at Goodison Park during Blackburn Rovers’ defeat to Everton on 20 September. Merseyside police launched an investigation into a complaint the Senegal international had told a 14-year-old to “fuck off, white boy” and interviewed Diouf after the game. A police spokesperson has confirmed the investigation had concluded after “a file was submitted to the Crown Prosecution Service for consideration and they have decided that no further action will be taken”.

Diouf responded to the complaint by accusing Everton supporters of throwing bananas at him during the game. A search by police and club stewards, plus a review of television footage, revealed no evidence of any fruit-throwing but Everton’s request for an apology from Diouf has not been answered.

EvertonCarling CupAndy Hunterguardian.co.uk