Today’s speculation used to deal in financial risks…

Staring through the window of London’s horrible Kings Cross branch of Dixons late last night, booing happily to itself through its rubberised England’s Brave John Terry mask (sex face version), The Mill felt certain of one thing. There can be no doubt now that, as long as you squint, look away slightly, gouge one eye with a cocktail stick and medicine yourself heavily with furniture polish, that there are plenty of teams better placed than ENGLAND who ARE GOING TO find it much easier TO WIN THE WORLD CUP.

This morning the newspapers agree. “CROUCH PUTS FAB IN NILE HIGH CLUB” The Sun says, before suggesting that “diamond Giza Peter Crouch …. a Nile-lated African champions Egypt.” Crouch is described as “the towering striker”, which makes him sound simply tall and muscular and is much better than “gangling” or “beanpole” which he gets when he’s been crap.

John Terry is rated 7/10, but then so is Theo Walcott, who looked small and frightened. The Daily Mail says “England cannot afford to be without John Terry in South Africa, nor the absent bogeyman Ashley Cole”. Absent bogeymen, that’s the problem these days.

The Mirror deadpans: “Collect your World Cup tickets on the way out, Peter and Shaun. Thanks but no thanks Theo.” Wes Brown and Matthew Upson get 5/10. Barry got 7/10. The rest get 6/10 apart from the Hero of the Match Crouch, who gets 8/10. The Times awards Upson an unforgiving 4/10, warning he “did little to inspire confidence that England can cope without Rio Ferdinand”, who gets more and more reliable the more time he spends on his baggy quilted calfskin corner unit surround sofa listening to banging R ‘n’ B flavas and eating cola bottles. Jermain Defoe: “Looked threatening because his pace gives England an added dimension, but has yet to demonstrate that he can finish as well under pressure as Michael Owen”. Which sounds right.

Meanwhile back in the real world of non-inconclusive-England-friendly-related football chaff, The Mirror has Chelsea “chasing” Benfica’s Brazilian defender David Luiz, who might be available for £10m. Luiz is “one of his nation’s top prospects”. He also has tight, corkscrew-curly hair, of a type that’s often ginger. Chelsea’s wanted list also includes Atlético Madrid’s Sergio Aguëro, Monaco’s midfielder Jerko Leko, Jack Rodwell, and a properly reliable builder, but not one of those new type of middle-class builders who might have once been an actuary or something and who seem charming at first but who take ages to do anything, talk too much, don’t really know anything about building and get really pissy when you point any of these things out.

Sunderland’s manager Steve Bruce is “in talks” with the Paraguay midfielder and Hispanic Superman actor Cristian Riveros. Riveros plays for Mexican side Cruz Azul and will be available on a free transfer in the summer. Steven Reid, formerly the new Roy Keane, is going to join Sheffield Wednesday on loan from Blackburn. And Micah Richards has “fallen foul of a Facebook fraudster”, who set up a fake page with “shots of the Manchester City and England defender flaunting his six-pack, as a child and out clubbing”. Which is only interesting for the news that Richards had a six-pack as a child and, less so, that he flaunts it while out clubbing.

“Captions under some pictures suggest the fraudster is using the profile to get girls to send naked pictures,” The Mirror adds. “Micah has cleaned up his act and it’s wrong what this person is doing. Micah would have been really stupid to set this up himself,” chipped in his agent, causing the ancient, cobwebbed cogs in the Mill’s brain to judder and finally turn and a hazy picture of what might actually be going on here to take shape. It’s that “would have to be really stupid”.

The Mail says José Mourinho still wants to buy Steven Gerrard in the summer. “Mourinho has been monitoring Liverpool’s stuttering season and is now confident enough to tell his president, Massimo Moratti, to make the midfielder a priority for an end-of-season spending spree.”

Real Madrid striker Gonzalo Higuaín has turned down a new contract. Manchester City are “interested”, although they might just be being polite. And Arsène Wenger still wants to buy the Brazil midfielder Felipe Melo. “We are still looking at Melo,” Wenger said, speaking from inside his brushwood and leaf-draped temporary shack, lowering his night vision goggles and thoughtfully lighting another slim panatela cigar.

In The Sun Carlos Tevez is still blathering about things he has only ever had explained to him — apparently wrongly – in overly sycophantic and partial translation. “CARLOS TEVEZ last night launched an astonishing attack on John Terry and warned: “If you acted like this in Argentina you’d be dead.”

Tev reckons if someone in his homeland had an affair with a team-mate’s girlfriend, like Terry did with Wayne Bridge, they “would not survive”. Ex-girlfriend Carlos. Ex. Ex-girlfriend. Put down the butter knife.

“I don’t think you can do that with the wife of another player,” Tevez raged, pointlessly, righting imagined wrongs, slaying invisible ghosts and ignoring the nervous, throat-clearing interjections of his weak-willed and bashful translator.

Shay Given believes maddening rubber-limbed ball-hog Robinho will come back to Manchester City from Santos. “Hopefully, he’ll do well there and at the World Cup — and come back a better player,” he said, getting a kind of sinking feeling even as he said it and just sort of tailing off at the end.

The entirely credible soccer personality Sven-Goran Eriksson has denied he wants to manage Ivory Coast at the World Cup. “No, no no, this job has nothing to do with me,” Eriksson said, accidentally brushing your thigh with his hand and just leaving it there for a moment too long.

And on Goal.com Adriano’s agent says his man is keen to join Roma, Barcelona, Real Madrid or, failing that, the back of the queue at the Clapham branch of Chicken Cottage, where they also do small, greasy samosas and horribly grey-looking ribs that seem to have been pre-mauled by a feral dog.

Steven GerrardManchester CityInternazionaleLiverpoolSunderlandAtlético MadridChelseaMonacoEvertonJosé MourinhoEnglandBarney Ronayguardian.co.uk

Today’s piffle is dazed and confused

The Mill is no stranger to starting off quite smartly and really seeming to be going somewhere and putting on quite a show before without quite anybody unless you don’t it’s not totally unsure whether if it really and never in effect not making a great somehow deal of sense. Far too often the Mill has found itself striding forth with an air of brilliant unbreakable clear blue jaw-clenching although suddenly not quite what was that where’s my glove think I dropped it where going lost behind can’t seem to get maybe just sit down.

Perhaps this explains why the Mill is such a big fan of Nani, a player who also always seems to be on the verge of maybe go back and start oh no maybe one last little … ah. Nani is of course a genuinely fascinating character, a Willo The Wisp that one moment appears to be a dancing swamp sprite, the next a rather disappointing gaseous methane cloud. He’s a paradox wrapped up in a reversible jacket that while quite flash and nifty at first doesn’t actually look very good either way round. If he was a car he’d be a banana yellow souped-up estate coupe monster truck muscle van with gold-plate alloys that doesn’t actually start but has a horn that does a really good Dukes of Hazzard. If he was a pair of shoes he’d be a single bespoke purple slip-on goatskin loafer – with no sole and no upper and no heel.

And if he was a controversial newspaper interview he’d be today’s non-exclusive “exclusive” in the Sun in which he “gambled with his Manchester United future” and “pulled no punches in a revealing interview that will leave boss Fergie seething” after raging that he is being “mismanaged”.

Except that in the Mail he just thinks Sir Alex Ferguson is “complicated”. And the Times manages to yawn the whole thing away with “Nani not seeking escape route”. Although The Mill is willing to bet that even if he was, it might take some time to find it.

Also in the Sun West Ham have told Liverpool they want £20m for scuttling goal-machine Carlton Cole. Arsenal are “keeping tabs on” 18-year-old Barcelona winger Gai Assulin, which seems as good a place as any to keep tabs, but only if they’re properly secured with Velcro.

And “dive storm striker” David Ngog says he will “bounce back stronger”, but only after hurling himself face-first on to a particularly springy piece of turf. “You learn more about yourself in the bad times than the good,” he says.

Aston Villa want to sign Ipswich “wonderkid” Connor Wickham who, when he’s not scoring goals, likes to flounce around a honeyed version of 19th-century rural society England wearing britches and getting ditzy and ruining impressionable young girls.

Everton are “leading the chase” ahead of Chelsea for Benfica midfield scuffler Javier García, who retails for £13m and is Luis García’s cousin. “We’ve not even talked about the rumours yet,” says his agent/dad, furiously texting the Daily Star something that looks like GARCIA 2 EVATON U AVIN A LAFF ETC ETC.

Steve Bruce will “launch a £12m double raid” for Adam Johnson and Maynor Figueroa in January. Sol Campbell is on his way to Newcastle. “He’s got a lot to offer,” says Chris Hughton, not really wanting to go into specifics.

And Southampton are after John Rooney, uncle of Kai-Wayne, son of Wayne Sr, brother of Wayne Jr and a man who must occasionally wonder how things might have turned out by now if he was also called “Wayne”.

In the Mirror Rafa Benítez has decided strolling, sulking Spurs chest of drawers Roman Pavlyuchenko is the man to kick-start his team’s season. “Benítez sees him as the ideal stand-in for Torres”.

Barcelona technical secretary and very Txiki boy Txiki Begiristain has poo-pooed the Robinho talk. “We won’t be meeting with City,” he told Barcelona’s official website.

In the Mail Manchester United, Manchester City, Chelsea and Barcelona all fancy a piece of 22-year-old Uruguayan Ajax striker Luis Suárez. Apparently Jaap Stam is doing “occasional scouting” for United. Who’d have thought it.

‘Arry Redknapp wants to sign Andrés D’Alessandro, who was at one point going to be the new Diego Maradona, then looked like he might not really be up to much, then looked really good for a bit (at Pompey), then went to Brazil to play for Internacional. Redknapp is also keen on D’Alessandro’s team-mate Sandro. And his wife is called Sandra. The Mill senses potential for a two-Ronnies-style comic sketch of jet-setting farcical misunderstanding.

And United, Arsenal and Internazionale are all still keen on 1980s shoulder-padded, red glasses-wearing ad executive Yaya “Yah” Touré, who seems to be in the out-tray at Barcelona. “If he does leave Barça, he will not go to Manchester City because he will sign for a bigger club,” crowed his agent, a little unnecessarily in The Mill’s opinion.

Manchester UnitedLiverpoolTottenham HotspurEvertonSouthamptonChelseaAjaxBarcelonaSunderlandNewcastle UnitedWest Ham UnitedBarney Ronayguardian.co.uk