Today’s gack is slack
You don’t want to believe everything your dad tells you, readers. Abraham told Isaac he had a special treat waiting for him up Mount Moriah, Michael Jackson told Blanket Jackson that a veil was the look for artificially inseminated kids and Ricky Otto told the Mill it would grow up to be a competent journalist. So you might forgive Marouane Fellaini for scoffing today after his father, and sometime fountain fetishist, Federico, claimed Chelsea are after the Everton man. The Blues are in the market for a spot of transfer window spending after missing out on Edin Dzeko, who is off to Milan.
Dzeko will get Mathieu Flamini’s locker in the San Siro changing rooms. That’s because the Frenchman is about to join Spurs, guaranteeing years of good humoured banter whenever he takes a trip to the Emirates. Still, spare a thought for Dzeko, because Flamini is actually a qualified quantum physicist and has hidden a black hole in his locker which will transport the Bosnian back to 1959 when he opens it for the first time.
You’ll probably be wondering how Spurs are going to afford the fee for Flamini. Well, they’ll sell Roman Pavlyuchenko to Zenit St Petersburg for the ridiculously exact sum of £10.2m. Unless Birmingham get in there first and offer £10.21m. If Alex McLeish loses out on young Roman, he’ll buy Kenwyne Jones, who wants £65,000 a week in wages. And before you call Kenwyne greedy that only makes him sixty-five eightieths as demanding as John Utaka. Or thirteen-sixteenths, depending on how good you are at rounding down fractions.
The world’s second longest-running soap, Marouane Chamakh And His Transfer, looks like it’s about to draw to a close, with a move to Liverpool and a £12m signing-on fee. But that’s what they said in last week’s episode.
According to the Mirror, Arsène Wenger has beaten Everton to the signing of Bolivia’s Under-21 midfielder Samuel Galindo. Wenger celebrated by taking Galindo’s family out for “a VIP meal”. You know, one of the ones where they give you free ketchup and don’t spit in your goulash. Expect Gallindo to make his Carling Cup debut anytime in the next four years. David Moyes, meanwhile, will console himself by signing Marseille winger Hatem Ben Arfa and telling Lucas Neill he’s off to Galatasaray for £2m.
Meanwhile, Pompey have rejected Sunderland’s offer of £5m plus professional makeweight Anton Ferdinand for their defender Younes Kaboul. Striker Aruna Dindane will be on his way out of Fratton Park though. The Sun reckons Lens will cancel his loan spell at Pompey and sell him to Birmingham City.
Brian Laws’s reward for leading Sheffield Wednesday to 95th in the Championship will be the manager’s job at Burnley. Unless Sean O’Driscoll or Ivano Bonetti and a large plate of chicken get there first.
You see that Guus Hiddink? He’s going to be Juventus’s next manager.
And finally, Roberto Martínez will fashion some wings out of wax and swoop for Celtic defender Gary Caldwell; Marlon Harewood will become the new Jermaine Beckford at Elland Road, except a little bit slower; Paul Hart had a dream last night that Nigel Quashie joined QPR; Ghana midfielder Haminu Draman will join Hull on a six-month loan; and there’s someone on the media desk who sounds like Paolo Bandini but isn’t Paolo Bandini and it’s really distracting.
Transfer windowEvertonChelseaTom Lutzguardian.co.uk
