Today’s blurb is feeling the Rage
Leafing though this morning’s breakfast time rumour sheets, the Mill couldn’t help feeling an overwhelming Mark Hughes related claustrophobia, a Mark Hughes snow-blindness; and A feeling, not just of being subjected to endless Hughes-related tittle-tattle and Hughes-centered blah, but of being surrounded by Mark Hughes, crushed into Mark Hughes’s shoulder in a crowded corridor, tasting Mark Hughes between your teeth, his steel grey hair ticking your nostrils, his arms clasped powerfully across your chest, looking down at your cereal spoon and seeing hundreds of tiny little Mark Hugheses scowling and pointing and refusing to shake your hand.
This morning Hughes dominates the tabloid landscape, reminding the Mill more than anything else of the days just after Michael Jackson died and suddenly the world turned a vibrant hue of Michael Jackson, rubbish reality TV stars suddenly spoke as one about what a great “influence” he was and suddenly you had to pretend Man in the Mirror was a really good song and that the moonwalk wasn’t a joke but was instead culturally significant and not invented by that Shalamar bloke.
So in this morning’s Sun it turns out that Mark Hughes “gave Manchester City’s wealthy owners £250,000 of his own money to help buy Craig Bellamy”. Plus he is today locked “in secret two-hour talks with one of the country’s top employment barristers”, talks that will involve words like “a fortiori” and “inter alia” and “£240-an-hour plus costs, VAT and elite sausage roll buffet lunch”.
In non-Mark Hughes news Everton have joined Arsenal in “a summer scramble for Bordeaux striker Marouane Chamakh“, who will cost £7m. “I don’t want to see my name bandied around in January,” Chamakh has said. In the Mirror Roberto Mancini is planning to “put huge question marks over” Wayne Bridge and Joleon Lescott, maybe using a system of pulleys, or by simply attaching them with wire and string. West Brom have issued a “hands off” warning to Aston Villa, Birmingham, Everton, Stoke and Sunderland over midfielder Graham Dorrans, who might cost £4m.
Alex McLeish wants to “cash in on” Mark Hughes getting the boot by signing Joe Hart while no one’s looking. McLeish is also about to offer £2.5m for Sporting Gijon midfielder Michel, who used to be best friends with Sharon and had Dirty Den’s love child, and has Giles Barnes on trial. West Ham have remembered they own Freddie Sears and want him back from Palace.
In the Daily Mail Chelsea, Real Madrid and Milan are all sweatily showing off in front of 16-year-old “whiz kid” Romelo Lukaku, who plays for Anderlecht. Lukaku is described as “a 6ft 3in powerhouse”. He’s also a Belgian under-21 international. Harry Redknapp wants to sign pacy but slightly frantic Portsmouth full-back Nadir Belhadj.
In the Daily Record Middlesbrough want to pay £4m for Aussie goal possum Scott McDonald. “I’m not going anywhere unless I’m pushed out,” McDonald said, sitting in his wheelbarrow and looking impatient.
According to Goal.com Blackburn want to buy Getafe striker Roberto Soldado for £10m. He is tall.
Inter president Massimo Moratti says striker Mario Balotelli won’t be travelling to Manchester inside Roberto Mancini’s calfskin leather travelling holdall. “What if he asked me for Balotelli? No, there is no way,” Moratti said.
Real Madrid could try to sign Jonny Evans in January. And City are going to celebrate dumping Mark Hughes by drinking a glass of Baileys, miming along to Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive a couple of times and going out in a taxi to buy Thierry Henry (£10m), Fernando Torres (£80m), Sergio Agüero (£40m), Angel Di Maria (£35m), Franck Ribéry (£65m), Javier Mascherano, Yaya Touré and Matthew Upson. And then having a really good cry on the sofa surrounded by empty After Eight mint envelopes.
Want to have your say on today’s tittle-tattle? You know the drill …
Manchester CityTransfer windowEvertonLiverpoolChelseaBarney Ronayguardian.co.uk
