Today’s tell-all has wrassled more compliant ‘gators

Waking up under its first day of Tory rule for well over a decade with the dawn chorus cheeping an audible note of caution, the Mill felt a mild sense of trepidation. Nothing serious, mind, more akin to that nagging agitation brought on by not being sure whether or not you need to buy milk, than the full bowel-loosening terror of watching that bit in Saw VI where the file clerk has just been hanged by the barbed-wire noose and suddenly realising you’ve no idea how long is left before the merciful release of the closing credits.

Strange lady asleep on right-hand side of bed? Check. Hot water? Check. Clean socks and strides? Check. Tea bags? Check. Milk? Check. Street outside house not yet replaced by apparently bottomless void? Check. Expensive earphones still hopeless in the face of traffic noise or the raucous buzzing of any passing wasp? Check. Woman in London underground station newsagent surly and unable to count change? Check. Feelings of resentment because man sitting in adjacent seat is reading your newspaper for free? Check. Feelings of childish satisfaction that accompany knowledge abrupt page-turn curtailed his Jamie Carragher-World Cup-recall article enjoyment? Check.

In short, all was well in the world. A little over 12 hours into the new regime the Mill’s day-to-day existence remained serenely unaffected by Downing Street’s new Axis of Smug. At least it was until we saw the vast mountain of transfer speculation there is to round-up. If this is a portent of things to come under a Tory-Lib Dem government, the Mill wants Gordon Brown and Labour back.

The Sun reports that William Gallas is believed to be unhappy with Arsenal’s meagre offer of a “one-plus-one year deal on a reduced salary, with the second year dependent on the number of appearances he makes next season”. And while the number of appearances required is not revealed, chances are we’ll be able to figure it out by totting up how many he makes next season, then adding one. “Something seems broken between William and Arsène and it looks possible he will not be at the club next season,” revealed a source “close” to Gallas, but obviously not close enough to have caught the something that got broken before it hit the floor.

Should Gallas leave, Arsène Wenger will maintain the requisite levels of Frenchness in his squad by signing the no-nonsense defensive midfielder Jeremy Toulalan from Lyon for somewhere in the region of £14m, while simultaneously doing his bit for brotherly love by reuniting his Ivorian midfielder, Kolo Touré, with brother Yaya, who currently plays occasionally for Barcelona. If, as many suspect, Cesc Fábregas goes the other way, Wenger will attempt to replace him with Everton’s Spanish midfielder Mikel Arteta.

Elsewhere in the Sun, it’s boldly reported that the Milan striker Alexandre Pato “would be happy to link up with Carlo Ancelotti again at Chelsea.” Quotes from Pato saying he’d be happy to link up with Carlo Ancelotti again at Chelsea? “I want to remain at Milan and win everything with them,” quacked the player they call the Duck. Make of that what you will. The tabloid’s claim that Chelsea would have no problem matching Manchester City bid for bid in their efforts to land Fernando Torres is equally spurious, with neither the word “Fernando” nor the word “Torres” featuring in the 103-word quote from Chelsea’s chief executive Ron Gourlay that’s provided by way of proof.

It may only be Wednesday, but it’s already been a week to forget for Owen Hargreaves. Not content with pronouncing the word “about” in that funny Canadian way that makes it sounds like something you’d wear on your foot, the midfielder is rumoured to have stormed out of Old Trafford in a huff after being left “oot” of the Manchester United side to face Stoke City on Sunday and has now failed to make England’s provisional World Cup squad despite strong rumours that he’d get a Capello wild card. Now his future at Old Trafford looks in doubt, if talk linking Real Madrid’s French midfield enforcer, Lassana Diarra, with a £21m move to Manchester United is to be believed. Dimitar Berbatov’s mooted move to Bayern Munich could help finance the deal.

Liverpool are considering a bid for Valencia’s lank-haired 21-year-old Argentine midfielder Ever Banega; £8m would be enough to bring the reformed bad boy to Anfield, which is approximately £7.9m more than the skint Merseyside club is believed to have sluicing around in its club coffers. The Daily Mail reports that Liverpool are also prepared to “offload” the frail Italian Alberto Aquilani at a huge loss, a move that seems a bit unlikely considering the £20m midfielder has shown a fair amount of promise on the few occasions he’s been given chances to impress at Anfield.

Now that they’re able to promise the prospect of at least two matches worth of not-quite-Champions League football to prospective signings, Tottenham Hotspur will endeavour to prise the Dutch striker Klaas Jan Huntelaar away from Milan for £12.7m. Observer columnist David James is also being linked with a move to White Hart Lane. Again.

Meanwhile at Stamford Bridge, Ricardo Carvalho, Deco, Joe Cole, Juliano Belletti and Paulo Ferreira are about to be shipped out to free-up dressing room pegs for Manchester City’s midfielder Stephen Ireland and Notts County’s goalkeeper Kasper Schmeichel, who must both wear a lot of clothes.

Manchester City’s manager, Roberto Mancini, wants to get rid of Jo, Valeri Bojinov and Felipe Caicedo, and is eager to draft in Napoli midfielder Marek Hamsik and the controversial Inter striker Mario Balotelli as replacements.

Rather than leave Aston Villa for Liverpool, Martin O’Neill has hatched a controversial plan to gradually dismantle the Merseyside club and bring it to Villa Park. He’ll start by signing industrious Israeli winger Yossi Benayoun, but may face opposition from La Liga side Sevilla, who are wise to his caper.

Birmingham City like the cut of the West Ham striker Carlton Cole and the Fulham full-back Paul Konchesky’s respective jibs, while Fulham’s manager Roy Hodgson and Blackburn’s manager Sam Allardyce are set to go head to head in a bidding skirmish for the services of Portsmouth’s striker Frederic Piquionne.

And finally, newly promoted West Brom have sent a posse to Sunderland with specific instructions not to return without full-back Phil Bardsley, while rhythm magnates David Gold and David Sullivan can’t decide whether to replace freshly-fired manager Gianfranco Zola with Glenn Hoddle or Avram Grant.

And … breathe.

Transfer windowEvertonArsenalBarry Glendenningguardian.co.uk

James is back with another top-banana podcast featuring John Ashdown, Barry Glendenning and Paul Doyle.

Midweek Premier League matches mean plenty of talking points: including Louis Saha increasing John Terry’s woe, Arsenal back to winning ways, and Aston Villa’s limited ambition against Manchester United.

Sid Lowe is on the phone from Madrid with the truth about those Cesc Fábregas to Barcelona rumours, while James’s Italian round-up includes news of Ultras storming Lazio’s training ground.

The pod preview the FA Cup fifth round including the mammoth Scummers V Skates game, revealing the truth behind their nicknames for each other, and Crystal Palace v Aston Villa.

Let us know what you think on the blog below. We are on iTunes, Facebook, and Twitter, and if you like this type of juvenile humour, get your daily dose with our tea-timely email, The Fiver.

James RichardsonPeter Sale

In a line-up that’s every bit as unsurprising as the top four in the Premier League, James Richardson is joined in the pod by Barry Glendenning and Sean Ingle in another rip-roaring edition of Football Weekly.

The pod squad analyse Chelsea’s demolition of Arsenal, Liverpool’s bruising battle with Everton, and Tottenham Hotspur’s snoozefest with Aston Villa and ask: why are we getting another dose of the same old same old?

Also in the show – and lest we be accussed of Big Four-centricity – we discuss Hull City’s recent revival now that Phil Brown ditched the earpiece and the goatee.

Plus, we ponder whether Fabio Capello’s done the right thing in stripping John Terry of the England captaincy. And we get dewy-eyed about those Brat Pack movies of the 1980s.

Finally, our favourite Teuton Raphael Honigstein brings us news of a rift in the German national team and the latest from the Bundesliga; Sid Lowe brings us up to date with Spain’s La Liga; and Jimbo tells us about Lazio’s mounting woes in Serie A.

Have a listen and post your thoughts on the blog below. We’re also on iTunes, Facebook, and Twitter, and if you like this type of juvenile humour, get your daily dose with our tea-timely email, The Fiver.

James RichardsonBen GreenRaphael HonigsteinSean IngleBarry GlendenningSid Lowe