Today’s piffle is dazed and confused

The Mill is no stranger to starting off quite smartly and really seeming to be going somewhere and putting on quite a show before without quite anybody unless you don’t it’s not totally unsure whether if it really and never in effect not making a great somehow deal of sense. Far too often the Mill has found itself striding forth with an air of brilliant unbreakable clear blue jaw-clenching although suddenly not quite what was that where’s my glove think I dropped it where going lost behind can’t seem to get maybe just sit down.

Perhaps this explains why the Mill is such a big fan of Nani, a player who also always seems to be on the verge of maybe go back and start oh no maybe one last little … ah. Nani is of course a genuinely fascinating character, a Willo The Wisp that one moment appears to be a dancing swamp sprite, the next a rather disappointing gaseous methane cloud. He’s a paradox wrapped up in a reversible jacket that while quite flash and nifty at first doesn’t actually look very good either way round. If he was a car he’d be a banana yellow souped-up estate coupe monster truck muscle van with gold-plate alloys that doesn’t actually start but has a horn that does a really good Dukes of Hazzard. If he was a pair of shoes he’d be a single bespoke purple slip-on goatskin loafer – with no sole and no upper and no heel.

And if he was a controversial newspaper interview he’d be today’s non-exclusive “exclusive” in the Sun in which he “gambled with his Manchester United future” and “pulled no punches in a revealing interview that will leave boss Fergie seething” after raging that he is being “mismanaged”.

Except that in the Mail he just thinks Sir Alex Ferguson is “complicated”. And the Times manages to yawn the whole thing away with “Nani not seeking escape route”. Although The Mill is willing to bet that even if he was, it might take some time to find it.

Also in the Sun West Ham have told Liverpool they want £20m for scuttling goal-machine Carlton Cole. Arsenal are “keeping tabs on” 18-year-old Barcelona winger Gai Assulin, which seems as good a place as any to keep tabs, but only if they’re properly secured with Velcro.

And “dive storm striker” David Ngog says he will “bounce back stronger”, but only after hurling himself face-first on to a particularly springy piece of turf. “You learn more about yourself in the bad times than the good,” he says.

Aston Villa want to sign Ipswich “wonderkid” Connor Wickham who, when he’s not scoring goals, likes to flounce around a honeyed version of 19th-century rural society England wearing britches and getting ditzy and ruining impressionable young girls.

Everton are “leading the chase” ahead of Chelsea for Benfica midfield scuffler Javier García, who retails for £13m and is Luis García’s cousin. “We’ve not even talked about the rumours yet,” says his agent/dad, furiously texting the Daily Star something that looks like GARCIA 2 EVATON U AVIN A LAFF ETC ETC.

Steve Bruce will “launch a £12m double raid” for Adam Johnson and Maynor Figueroa in January. Sol Campbell is on his way to Newcastle. “He’s got a lot to offer,” says Chris Hughton, not really wanting to go into specifics.

And Southampton are after John Rooney, uncle of Kai-Wayne, son of Wayne Sr, brother of Wayne Jr and a man who must occasionally wonder how things might have turned out by now if he was also called “Wayne”.

In the Mirror Rafa Benítez has decided strolling, sulking Spurs chest of drawers Roman Pavlyuchenko is the man to kick-start his team’s season. “Benítez sees him as the ideal stand-in for Torres”.

Barcelona technical secretary and very Txiki boy Txiki Begiristain has poo-pooed the Robinho talk. “We won’t be meeting with City,” he told Barcelona’s official website.

In the Mail Manchester United, Manchester City, Chelsea and Barcelona all fancy a piece of 22-year-old Uruguayan Ajax striker Luis Suárez. Apparently Jaap Stam is doing “occasional scouting” for United. Who’d have thought it.

‘Arry Redknapp wants to sign Andrés D’Alessandro, who was at one point going to be the new Diego Maradona, then looked like he might not really be up to much, then looked really good for a bit (at Pompey), then went to Brazil to play for Internacional. Redknapp is also keen on D’Alessandro’s team-mate Sandro. And his wife is called Sandra. The Mill senses potential for a two-Ronnies-style comic sketch of jet-setting farcical misunderstanding.

And United, Arsenal and Internazionale are all still keen on 1980s shoulder-padded, red glasses-wearing ad executive Yaya “Yah” Touré, who seems to be in the out-tray at Barcelona. “If he does leave Barça, he will not go to Manchester City because he will sign for a bigger club,” crowed his agent, a little unnecessarily in The Mill’s opinion.

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