Today’s fluff seemed like a good idea at the time

The Mill woke this morning determined to purvey this morning’s idle speculation in the form of rhyming verse. We got as far as ‘The Mill woke this morn in poetical mood/Porridge and muesli are both kinds of food/Some of these couplets may not quite ring true/gossip and tit-tattle we’re bringing to you’, which as starts go is not particularly auspicious, containing as it does very little of any sense and at least one word that doesn’t exist. And it doesn’t really scan, either. At that point, with a bumper crop of gossip ready to be harvested, processed and baked into the crusty white loaf of transfer bread, the Mill really should have stopped and thought of a different riff. We apologise in advance for our failure to do so.

Wenger is sick of Almunia’s hashes
Costing them points in vital league matches
Green of West Ham will be joining instead
Filling attackers with loathing and dread

Liverpool’s boss can look a bit down
Whenever his head crinkles into a frown
But Benítez’s face is going to get glummer
Mascherano heading to Barça this summer

Defender Craig Dawson is impressing for Rochdale
A million-pound bid is enough for a quick sale
Fulham and Spurs are ready to pounce
Both of them hoping their cheques will not bounce

Young Adam Matthews is a target for Villa
Martin O’Neill with his hand on the tiller
5m quid will tempt Cardiff to sell
Where he will end up no one can tell

A Russian surname is a tough one to rhyme with Nevertheless our best effort we’ll give
When he drinks coffee he prefers if its Kenko
Lokomotiv Moscow still keen on Roman Pavlyuchenko

There’s a battle abrewing for Frank Ribéry
Barça and Real and Juve and Chelsea
Real are favourites as you’d expect
But down to west London he may well defect

Chelsea’s Joe Cole is off to Old Trafford
His exhorbitant wages the club can afford
He’ll be replaced by an American import
Ancelotti’s eye Landon Donovan has caught

Wigan will give Ahmed al-Muhammadi a try
They want the Egyptian from ENPPI
He’s a right-back of marauding demeanour
Of warrior princesses his favourite is Xena

The Mill is quite pleased that there’s two more to go
Progress this morning has been really quite slow
Man Utd have signed Marnick Vermijl
Does that at all rhyme with candlelit vigil?

Wanted in Manchester but not by Lord Ferg
Jerome Boateng is not long for Hamburg
The much-loved defender is in line for Man City
10m quid going out of their kitty

That’s quite enough of this rhyming nonsense
It’s made the poor Mill quite anxious and tense
Still they mostly rhymed and occasionally scanned
Unlike this last one which doesn’t

ChelseaLA GalaxyEvertonMajor League SoccerJohn Ashdownguardian.co.uk

Everton have now beaten Chelsea and Manchester United in successive Premier League matches, and both victories were well deserved.

The home side were not favourites here after losing Marouane Fellaini and Tim Cahill to injury, yet they did most of the attacking in the second half and Dan Gosling’s late goal was fair reward even before Jack Rodwell added a third in the last minute.

United brought Dimitar Berbatov back to partner Wayne Rooney in attack and, all too predictably, the England striker’s roaring run of form came to a whispering halt, although that could simply have been because Rooney is generally subdued on visits to his old club.

Everton, too, had a striker facing his former club, though Louis Saha was up front on his own and, when he tested Edwin van der Sar from 30 yards out, his effort produced a decent save –though it seemed to sum up the home side’s lack of attacking options.

United went in front a minute after that, Sylvain Distin failing to cut out Antonio Valencia’s cross from the right and making rather a present of it to Berbatov, who scored off the underside of the bar, with Rooney a foot behind him practically pointing the way.

An ominous hush descended on Goodison, yet it took Everton only three more minutes to equalise in spectacular fashion. Johnny Heitinga’s hoofed clearance from the back was disputed by Saha and Jonny Evans, and the ball ran clear to Diniyar Bilyaletdinov, who controlled it, looked up and struck a left-foot shot so cleanly that Van der Sar never even moved in its direction, despite being beaten from well outside the area.

Patrice Evra made a brave block to deny the Russian again when Leighton Baines crossed from the left, though Rooney wasted a good chance by taking the ball too wide around Tim Howard after being played in by Berbatov.

Everton, too, could have had another goal by half-time had Landon Donovan been quicker to react to another Baines cross. The American seemed surprised when the ball landed at his feet off Wes Brown and, from an excellent position in front of goal, managed only to pass the ball straight to Van der Sar.

Substitute Gosling’s goal came after a period of Everton pressure, when Donovan slipped Steven Pienaar down the left to pull the ball back from the byline.

Just to prove it was no fluke, Everton repeated the move two minutes later, only for Mikel Arteta to supply an air shot rather than a slick finish.

No matter. Rodwell’s solo run and clean strike in the final minute emphasised Everton’s superiority.

Premier LeagueEvertonManchester UnitedPaul Wilsonguardian.co.uk

Everton were missing 11 first-team players and it showed as the Portuguese side took them apart

David Moyes saw his depleted Everton side spectacularly dismantled in the space of five second-half minutes at the Estádio da Luz tonight.

Any hopes of a recovery in this Europa League Group I match – after Javier Saviola had opened the scoring – vanished as Oscar Cardozo scored twice and Luisão added to the gains to put Benfica on the road to an emphatic victory.

Saviola added a fifth goal, and despite the absence of 11 players, Everton’s manager Moyes must have been left bewildered at the way his side caved in. In the process, Everton suffered their first defeat in the competition and their first in eight games in all competitions.

Moyes was forced to field two youngsters at full-back, with Seamus Coleman making his debut on the left and Dan Gosling on the right.

Everton were always chasing the game, and Luisão should have put Benfica ahead in the fifth minute when he headed wide following a corner from Pablo Aimar.

The home side made the breakthrough in the 14th minute with a superb half-volley from Saviola after a crossfield pass from Angel Di María split the defence. Benfica were winning the majority of possession, but Di María saw his effort in front of goal turned away by an alert Sylvain Distin.

Everton pushed upfield in the 31st minute, but Marouane Fellaini headed wide following a corner from Diniyar Bilyaletdinov.

Back came Benfica, and Nascimento Ramires headed across the face of the goal – with Di María supplying the delivery.

Everton, though, were gradually beginning to threaten and Bilyaletdinov thumped a shot wide in the 34th minute. Then the Russian cut inside but failed to test Júlio César, sending his effort over the bar.

Benfica launched a swift counter-attack in the 39th minute, only for Ramires to find the side netting from an acute angle.

Three minutes later, Bilyaletdinov found himself clear on the right. He was showing good initiative, but his decision-making was poor as he tried his luck when there were other options – and the ball ran out of play.

Everton made a shocking start to the second half and suddenly found themselves 3-0 down. Cardozo scored both at the back post, the first with a close-range finish in the 46th minute, the second with a header 60 seconds later.

Saviola and Di María set up the goals, and it was becoming a defensive nightmare for Everton without several experienced players.

Then Luisão increased their misery in the 52nd minute, extending Benfica’s lead to 4-0 after Coleman made a desperate but vain attempt to keep the ball out.

Three minutes later, Di María smashed a shot against the bar as Everton struggled to regroup. Then Di María tested Tim Howard from 20 yards.

Cardozo was finding acres of space down the right, but he sent a tame shot into Howard’s arms. However, the Argentinian brought out a fine save from the goalkeeper in the 66th minute when he somehow managed to block the effort.

Benfica made it 5-0 in the 84th minute, when Saviola got his second after a cross from Di María.

Everton were chasing shadows, and the final whistle must have come as a huge relief to Moyes and his players – not to mention the 6,000 travelling fans.

Uefa Europa LeagueBenficaEvertonTim Richguardian.co.uk